Oh my god it's snowing, it's snowing lets have this on the news all day everyday, because it's totally news. There is a blizzard, flights might not run on time, lazy government workers get like a week off!!!! Oh sweet mother of god what are we to do? TELL ME RIGHT NOW!!!
Alright had to get that out.
Lets talk about how stupid things on the Internet are for a second (no not this blog, don't think about that) and by stupid things on the Internet, I'm talking, of course, about Jon Mayer. Not only does he look like Johnny Depp with Down syndrome, his music is also for backwards hat wearing goons and goonettes.
However, every so often a person is so lame and goonish they become hilarious (Schwarzenegger). Now I'm not saying that Mayer has reached that level yet but check out some of his quotes having to do with his love life, and you try not to laugh. You try.
On why him and Aniston broke up,
"One of the most significant differences between us was that I was tweeting, there was a rumor that I had been dumped because I was tweeting too much. That wasn't it, but that was a big difference. The brunt of her success came before TMZ and Twitter. I think she's still hoping it goes back to 1998. She saw my involvement in technology as courting distraction. And I always said, '"These are the new rules.'"
HAHAHAHAH, who talks like that? If this guy was self-aware he would be a comedy genius.
On having sex with Jessica Simpson,
"There are people in the world who have the power to change our values. Have you ever been with a girl who made you want to quit the rest of your life? Did you ever say, "I want to quit my life and just fuckin' snort you? If you charged me $10,000 to fuck you, I would start selling all my shit just to keep fucking you."
Man the poetry of it all is so astounding. Also lets be clear that I am not defending the honor of any woman who dates Mayer. They are instantly asking to be made fun of. With that said, I like the idea that in front of a camera and a journalist in a sensible suit, he was shouting with heart-wrenching conviction, "just fucking snort you."
However my personal favorite is after he made out with Perez Hilton,
"All of a sudden I thought, I can out-gay this guy right now, I grabbed him and gave him the dirtiest, "tonguiest" kiss I have ever put on anybody-almost as if I hated fags. I don't even think our mouths were touching when I was tongue kissing him, that's how disgusting this kiss was, I'm a little ashamed, I think it lasted about half a minute. I really think it went on too long."
And there you have it Mayer isn't gay, his ego is just a murderous force of nature that is sweeping through our universe.
If you didn't laugh at those you are dead inside.
Completely separate thought, or is it?, mourn the Fashion Hooligan. He will be the best dressed corpse ever.
That is all.
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