Thursday, March 11, 2010

Why Do You Keep Cutting to Gyllenhaals? You're Scaring the Children.


No Child is dumb enough to watch the Oscars, unless you were a little film nerd wiener like me. Then you seriously got pissed when The Thin Red Line lost To Shakespeare in Love like it was the Bears losing the Super Bowl to the cast of Who's The Boss.

Speaking of which if we are just handing out Oscars to any old Jackass, i.e. the Skeleton from Speed who taught us all about how Black people are still secretly terrified and in complete reverence of White Madams, why not Danza? And just so you know, it is a great achievement to be in the NFL no matter how dumb you are or how completely incomprehensible it is for a six year old to make an ESPN-quality highlight film to send to colleges. Saying that the Blind Side is based on a real story is like saying that Look Who's Talking is also based on a true story because one time Bruce Willis was a baby.

Also if you are attracted to Sandra Bullock then you need to wonder if you got molested by some one's grandma while they were wearing a joker mask and you blocked that memory out but now secretly crave that as a fetish.

Oh Oscars, what a magical night of emotionally damaged eye candy standing around while people photograph them in different levels of sequin majesty. Otherwise known as "you could visibly see the babyboomer generation turn geriatric before our eyes".

First, thank god this asswipe wasn't there. Because you know what movie-people love? Theatre! Oh wait, and you turned Wolverine into Billy Ray Cyrus you dick.

So with that lets bring out Baldwin and Martin, they are non threatening enough that my grandma can laugh at their Bruce Falanche written jokes, but according to our test groups they are also "rad" and "the shit" and "my nigga" with the 22-31 yuppster crowd who saw The Jerk one time and tell people they like 30 rock even though the don't watch it.

But it won't really matter since we have TEN FUCKING MOVIES FOR BEST PICTURE and you won't ever see the hosts again because you will have to have ten randoms talking about some of them like it's fucking Casablanca. "The first time I saw District Nine I literally began to whip myself with a razor strap, fall to my knees, and unconciously shout the phrase "I am not worthy my new moving picture GOD" at that part where that dude gets the Alien gun and shoots those guys" . Seriously? Let's nominate everything that made us money. Why not do twenty? Where the fuck was G.I.Joe rise of Cobra, with Marlon Wayans for best supporting actor? And let's expand all the categories to try and wrangle up every last recession penny from people who want to hide from their shit lives in a movie theatre for two to four hours. (thanks Cameron, could've been two, but no I had to have fifteen montages because I'm apparently too stupid to understand your child-written plot) Let's do ten nominations for best Animated Feature and have some live action ones in their. Let's get Helen Miren an Oscar for best cinematography, lets mash the grammys and the Oscars together so the Black Eyed Peas can have an Oscar for best original unintelligible Fergie-Semi-English-British-saying-thing. Goonezas, eh, eeh!?! Maybe I shouldn't be giving them ideas.

At least the whole thing went paint-by-numbers. Waltz won, then made some weird european analogy towards colonizing people, got off stage. Mo'Nique (of Phat Girls and Soul Plane fame, the oscars are so political) won, then talked about how black people don't get Oscars even though like three did, and at least one has for the last ten years for at least something. (Are black people allowed to be Scientologists or Jews?). Avatar won best special affects, no shit, then some bullshit montage about how horror movies are movies too, then the council of the elders i.e. Colin Ferrel and his team of morons came out all Superman II style to knight the asshats, Lebowski won, the skeleton won (not Cameron's wife, he's the king of bad hair cuts) then Cameron's ex (who isn't?) won the whole show.

Then Thandal, god of the night and misery, opened the black seal as Martin and Baldwin chanted the ancient call. The crowd's mouth blood swept across LA as all the children wailed, and the midnight portal let the beast free to suckle at the gray flesh in their skulls as L. Ron howled with laughter on his comet/dinosaur.