Doo Doo Do Do doot doo doo,
It's that time of the year when if you actually care about movies, know how to read beyond a sixth grade level, and have a soul, you begin to feel a knifing pain in your side because the best picture list came out and revealed that the world around you is so so so much dumber than you were beginning to forget.
This year the scientologists' thought it would be fun, (make more money) to include ten movies for best picture. Now you may be wondering, "isn't that insanely ridiculous and does nothing but devalue the American film industry and it's say on things?"
Well you would be absolutely correct, but who cares, because what really matters is what over-priced dresses a bunch of skeletons are going to show up wearing for emotionally devoid sociopaths to take pictures of and kahki-shortwearing morons to gawk at through HD TVs in the Walmart mill towns.
Yay Oscars! Fuck YEAHHHHH!H!!H!H!H!!!H!H!!HH! (fire a machine gun off in the air as you read this)
So lets's talk about the nominations. They will be graded on a scale of how many children must be sacrificed to Xenu to keep Tom Cruise happy: one activates the Tom anger-based-eye-lasers, five equals Tom being all smiley and giving creepy publicity-stunt-kisses to Katie.
AVATAR: Super cool to look at but for anyone who's played Final Fantasy high, it was like 'aight. The first half was pretty great; where you forget just what is CGI dreams and what is "real life" and then it turned into the cheesiest, easiest to see coming, formulaic ending ever. If you see it on your TV in your house and not in a movie theatre with crazy 3D glasses it would be like watching a well funded episode of Stargate: Atlantis.
Likely hood it will win: Stupid
It gets two of Beck's Kids: Tom is glaring at everybody from behind those sunglasses.
The Blind Side: If you like this movie, you have probably never read a book and live in an all white suburb where you secretly believe white people are here to save poor black kids and turn them into football stars, or whatever the garbage message of this afterschool special is. I watched ten minutes of this movie illegally to write this, it was like whipping myself in the eyes. "I'm Sandra Bullock, I'm yo new cool momma who loves any old fat kid no matter if they black. My sass is chermin' ain'ts it?" No.
Likely hood it will win: The portal opens and out steps the demon.
It gets a couple of fingers off of one of Rob Thomas's kids: CRUISE SMASH!!!!
District Nine: Smart, interesting Sci fi with some nice camera tricks, story twists, and solid acting. Also the CGI was incorporated well enough that at times I, gasp, barely noticed it was CGI. Could have been a half hour shorter without losing anything, but over all, extremely solid and a nice little accomplishment for a director's first feature. I would be cool with this winning but it won't.
Likely hood it will win: Sci Fi wins best picture? HAHAHAHAH
It gets all four Elfman Children: Tom is now kissing his own blood smeared lips in the mirror.
UP: Weakest Pixar ever. At no point did I laugh. At no point did I care.
Likely Hood it will Win: The Disney Frozen Brain has to reactivate
It gets no more Travoltas: Tom hisses, sprouts wings, and flies off into the night.
An Education: Creepy and sexy and funny. It had some stand out acting and some even better writing. Hard to make such a strange story so affecting and relatable without everyting getting too weird. But there were no real strides in directing or editing or over all prodcution. It was just a solid , interesting movie. It deserves acting accolades but not a best picture nod.
Likely Hood it will win: It doesn't involve James Cameron making alot of people a shit ton of money enough.
It gets three and a half Paul Haggis Spawn: Tom is all pouty after because he is still hungry.
Join me tomorrow for part two where the ridicule continues. And just think I haven't even started making fun of Jews or British People yet!!!!
DISCLAIMER: WRITTEN BY SLIGHTLY BRAIN DAMAGED JERKOFF
hahahaha awesum this is how newspapers should read...
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