Tuesday, November 23, 2010

Ultra Fun Trivia of the Week!

Connect the hobby to the celebrity demagogue!

1. Rapist

2. Murderer

3. Alien




Did you answer all three? Then you have just one an all expense paid date with Ben Roethlisberger to Athens, Georgia.

Thanks for playing!

And remember No means Yes!

Friday, November 19, 2010

Merry Day of Gift Giving for Corporate Overlords, Part One

I tear up every time I see this video about Peter getting home from Prison.

However here is how it would go if your much older brother got home in Chicago.


B:"Ah god, can't I have ten damn seconds before some annoying spawn pisses me off?"

S:"You're home!"

B:"Ah go....Wait do the parentals let you drink caffeine?"

S:"No mom says it hurts my heart murmur and asama."

B:"I got news, mom is dumb. This coffee smells like the shit am I right?"

S:"It does."

Hours later:

Mom: "She's bouncing off the damn walls and her breathing is starting to sound erratic and desperate. You've ruined Christmas again Peter, you asshole."

B: "Shut up mom, give me ten bucks so I can score!"

Thursday, October 21, 2010

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Welcome to the new NFL where everything is stupid! In order to get the scoop we're going to talk to one of our sports reps; well known hick and pill addict, Brett Favre!

BF: Thanks for the interview.

AB: Why are you covered in blood?

BF: That's a league matter.

AB: Ah. I see. So the NFL has finally decided to pussify itself and try and get rid of hitting, which is totally not why anyone likes it or anything. Are you upset that your whining was the root of this?

BF: That's a league matter.

AB: That Stroger broad is super hot, but why would you send a picture of your old gray, dead-looking, small, sickly, decrepit, flaccid dick to her on your phone. Everyone knows that you send pictures of flaccid dicks to your friends to make them roll their eyes or scream in repressed surprise while they are in line at Taco Bell. However, in the words of Thomas A Edison, founder of ripping people off on a grand scale, "you send hot broads pictures of hard dicks, preferably pretty ones that aren't yours." That quote begs the question, are you dumb or something?

BF: (cackles, makes obscene hand gestures, then giggles like a murder) That's a league matter.

AB: Are you ashamed of yourself?

BF: That's a league matter.

AB: Are you a robot?

BF: That's a...No, no of course not.

AB: You're in a desert, walking along in the sand when all of the sudden-

BF:Is this a test to see if I'm a robot now?

AB:Yes. You're in a desert walking along in the sand when all of the sudden you look down-

BF:What one?


BF:What desert?

AB:It doesn't make any difference what desert, it's completely hypothetical.

BF:But how come I'd be there?

AB:Maybe you're fed up, maybe you want to be by yourself, who knows? You look down and you see a tortoise, Brett, it's crawling towards you-

BF:Tortoise, what's that?

AB:Know what a turtle is?

BF:Of course.

AB:Same thing.

BF:I've never seen a turtle -- But I understand what you mean.

AB:You reach down, you flip the tortoise over on its back Brett.

BF:Do you make up these questions, Mr. Bonner, or do they write them down for you?

AB:The tortoise lays on its back, its belly baking in the hot sun beating its legs trying to turn
itself over but it can't, not without your help, but you're not helping.

BF:What do you mean I'm not helping!?

AB:I mean, you're not helping. Why is that Brett? -- They're just questions, Hick-Favre. In
answer to your query, they're written down for me. It's a test, designed to provoke an emotional response. -- Shall we continue? Describe in single words, only the good things that come in to your mind about... your mother.

BF:My mother?

BF:Let me tell you about my mother...(Then as per usual Favre shoots me, throws himself through a window, and sprints away crying.)

Human Parrots

For years it has been a belief of sciency type people, completely denim-clad-pear-shaped third grade teachers, and shouting homeless people that the British are descended from birds and that's why they have gone extinct. Here is proof that one of them may be a Macaw.

Thursday, March 11, 2010

Why Do You Keep Cutting to Gyllenhaals? You're Scaring the Children.


No Child is dumb enough to watch the Oscars, unless you were a little film nerd wiener like me. Then you seriously got pissed when The Thin Red Line lost To Shakespeare in Love like it was the Bears losing the Super Bowl to the cast of Who's The Boss.

Speaking of which if we are just handing out Oscars to any old Jackass, i.e. the Skeleton from Speed who taught us all about how Black people are still secretly terrified and in complete reverence of White Madams, why not Danza? And just so you know, it is a great achievement to be in the NFL no matter how dumb you are or how completely incomprehensible it is for a six year old to make an ESPN-quality highlight film to send to colleges. Saying that the Blind Side is based on a real story is like saying that Look Who's Talking is also based on a true story because one time Bruce Willis was a baby.

Also if you are attracted to Sandra Bullock then you need to wonder if you got molested by some one's grandma while they were wearing a joker mask and you blocked that memory out but now secretly crave that as a fetish.

Oh Oscars, what a magical night of emotionally damaged eye candy standing around while people photograph them in different levels of sequin majesty. Otherwise known as "you could visibly see the babyboomer generation turn geriatric before our eyes".

First, thank god this asswipe wasn't there. Because you know what movie-people love? Theatre! Oh wait, and you turned Wolverine into Billy Ray Cyrus you dick.

So with that lets bring out Baldwin and Martin, they are non threatening enough that my grandma can laugh at their Bruce Falanche written jokes, but according to our test groups they are also "rad" and "the shit" and "my nigga" with the 22-31 yuppster crowd who saw The Jerk one time and tell people they like 30 rock even though the don't watch it.

But it won't really matter since we have TEN FUCKING MOVIES FOR BEST PICTURE and you won't ever see the hosts again because you will have to have ten randoms talking about some of them like it's fucking Casablanca. "The first time I saw District Nine I literally began to whip myself with a razor strap, fall to my knees, and unconciously shout the phrase "I am not worthy my new moving picture GOD" at that part where that dude gets the Alien gun and shoots those guys" . Seriously? Let's nominate everything that made us money. Why not do twenty? Where the fuck was G.I.Joe rise of Cobra, with Marlon Wayans for best supporting actor? And let's expand all the categories to try and wrangle up every last recession penny from people who want to hide from their shit lives in a movie theatre for two to four hours. (thanks Cameron, could've been two, but no I had to have fifteen montages because I'm apparently too stupid to understand your child-written plot) Let's do ten nominations for best Animated Feature and have some live action ones in their. Let's get Helen Miren an Oscar for best cinematography, lets mash the grammys and the Oscars together so the Black Eyed Peas can have an Oscar for best original unintelligible Fergie-Semi-English-British-saying-thing. Goonezas, eh, eeh!?! Maybe I shouldn't be giving them ideas.

At least the whole thing went paint-by-numbers. Waltz won, then made some weird european analogy towards colonizing people, got off stage. Mo'Nique (of Phat Girls and Soul Plane fame, the oscars are so political) won, then talked about how black people don't get Oscars even though like three did, and at least one has for the last ten years for at least something. (Are black people allowed to be Scientologists or Jews?). Avatar won best special affects, no shit, then some bullshit montage about how horror movies are movies too, then the council of the elders i.e. Colin Ferrel and his team of morons came out all Superman II style to knight the asshats, Lebowski won, the skeleton won (not Cameron's wife, he's the king of bad hair cuts) then Cameron's ex (who isn't?) won the whole show.

Then Thandal, god of the night and misery, opened the black seal as Martin and Baldwin chanted the ancient call. The crowd's mouth blood swept across LA as all the children wailed, and the midnight portal let the beast free to suckle at the gray flesh in their skulls as L. Ron howled with laughter on his comet/dinosaur.


Thursday, February 18, 2010


What? What is that supposed to be?

Alright take away my dignity card, and give me my corporate branding before the speed wears off: bump bu
mp bump buh baaaaaah, I love these fucking Olympics!!!! They are like real sports if you did them drunk and high in Canada in the winter.

Seriously this is how the Olympics should be: It starts off with a snuff movie, then everyone on every channel and in every bar starts saying things like, "The Olympics is lame" but secretly everyone watches it and yells at Apollo Ono to pull his head out of his ass, and wants to punch Costas right in his plastic face.

Also my hero, the beacon of what could be in an America where intelligent humor and irreverence reign supreme, the Colbert, pops up during Luge to make me spit orange juice out while I'm eating breakfast and watching TV. Plus how can you not like Biathlon; its fucking KGB train in, c'mon!

But really and truly, it is because now is the moment when we learn what the "state of the union" genuinely is. Alright here we go, AMERICA LITMUS TEST!

Litmus Test One: Is American "journalism" going to make stories out of things that are lame and ignore totally awesome things?

Is Lindsey Vonn hurt? Is her shin ok? All of the down hill skiing world (no one) is super concerned. This was the majority of NBC's painful and stupid coverage. They looked even dumber when Vonn just beasted everyone and it all looked like a crappy publicity stunt to put some snow bunny on the TV all day. However even though our major media is a nightmare we know the people in this mega-awe
some-low-priced-live-better-land might still be ok because of the obvious Olympic reason: our smart mouth Curling team, in which the men's and women's team can openly be heard yelling F-bombs and thinly-racist insults at the other teams while being broadcasted on national day time TV. The best one was the US women's team being heard to say, "Seriously those chicks look like dudes" about the German team, and yes, I have time on my hands.

Litmus test results: American Media Sucks, Midwerstern Semi-Athletes still callous and awesome. The Midwest sponsored by Allstate

Litmus Test Two: Which direction is the Moral Compass?

Blah blah blah Boddie Miller isn't drunk and high, blah blah blah. Nobody cares and terrible ratings insue idiots, however Shaun White supposedly "smelled like a bong" according to an AP report (which means its made up) but that just make me even more proud and sorry for this statement: the American Snowboard team now officially represents America more than Congress. They were wearing action
cowboy shirts as a uniform. Cowboy shirts. And yes he is a dumbass who looks and acts like a Ginger clown but is there anything more American than being a dumbass, with an entourage, then wearing an American flag bandit bandanna, and right when everyone is like "I hate this jackass" after he does ten minutes of self congratulatory high fives with his homeboys, this stoner flies like ten feet higher than every other asshole on the earth, and is doing tricks that don't appear to be possible in terms of physics. Suck on that other countries.

Litmus Test Two Results: In America no one cares about ethics, they care about doing super "sick" awesome sky tricks, while looking awesome, high on weed, and so ugly that its sad how crazy-laid they get. Concept of Coolness Sponsored by AIG

Litmus Test Three: How's that whole racism and gay hating situation going?
Well the Chi-town Shawnee Davis (apparently the only black guy there) won bu
t speed skating is so baby boomer. However this one might be the clearest cut, America likes gays. We love the shit out of them and black people too we just make it up to cause problems because we are America and if there ain't drama we don't have shit to do.

But in this Olympics there is a perfect storm. There is a Russian figure skater who looks like a bad guy from Die Hard and acts like a giant prick and does unstoppable twisty-spin-thing
s. No one can defeat him but wait, (cue Rocky Music) there is a cool looking Gay dude who dresses up in spooky Tim Burton outfits and IS AWESOME. Homosexuality Sponsored by Buger King

Litmus Test Result:
We like gays and figure skating and feathered sequined out fits if they involve ninja-spins and kicking some dickhead from Eastern Europe's ass.

All in all I think I learned that America doesn't try very hard, doesn't care very much, and yet we are still way better at everything on average than the rest of the world, which is like ok to watch or whatever. Also Weed is legal to trade, smoke, and possess in BC. So you might not know what the hell you're doing Vancouver but you appear to be having an ape-shit good time doing it.

Wait a second, did I just do a whole thing about how cool the Oly
mpics is? Oh shit, Tebow has been making my coffee and I keep losing giant segments of time. The hell is wrong with me?