Thursday, February 18, 2010
USA! USA! USA!
What? What is that supposed to be?
Alright take away my dignity card, and give me my corporate branding before the speed wears off: bump bump bump buh baaaaaah, I love these fucking Olympics!!!! They are like real sports if you did them drunk and high in Canada in the winter.
Seriously this is how the Olympics should be: It starts off with a snuff movie, then everyone on every channel and in every bar starts saying things like, "The Olympics is lame" but secretly everyone watches it and yells at Apollo Ono to pull his head out of his ass, and wants to punch Costas right in his plastic face.
Also my hero, the beacon of what could be in an America where intelligent humor and irreverence reign supreme, the Colbert, pops up during Luge to make me spit orange juice out while I'm eating breakfast and watching TV. Plus how can you not like Biathlon; its fucking KGB train in, c'mon!
But really and truly, it is because now is the moment when we learn what the "state of the union" genuinely is. Alright here we go, AMERICA LITMUS TEST!
Litmus Test One: Is American "journalism" going to make stories out of things that are lame and ignore totally awesome things?
Is Lindsey Vonn hurt? Is her shin ok? All of the down hill skiing world (no one) is super concerned. This was the majority of NBC's painful and stupid coverage. They looked even dumber when Vonn just beasted everyone and it all looked like a crappy publicity stunt to put some snow bunny on the TV all day. However even though our major media is a nightmare we know the people in this mega-awesome-low-priced-live-better-land might still be ok because of the obvious Olympic reason: our smart mouth Curling team, in which the men's and women's team can openly be heard yelling F-bombs and thinly-racist insults at the other teams while being broadcasted on national day time TV. The best one was the US women's team being heard to say, "Seriously those chicks look like dudes" about the German team, and yes, I have time on my hands.
Litmus test results: American Media Sucks, Midwerstern Semi-Athletes still callous and awesome. The Midwest sponsored by Allstate
Litmus Test Two: Which direction is the Moral Compass?
Blah blah blah Boddie Miller isn't drunk and high, blah blah blah. Nobody cares and terrible ratings insue idiots, however Shaun White supposedly "smelled like a bong" according to an AP report (which means its made up) but that just make me even more proud and sorry for this statement: the American Snowboard team now officially represents America more than Congress. They were wearing action cowboy shirts as a uniform. Cowboy shirts. And yes he is a dumbass who looks and acts like a Ginger clown but is there anything more American than being a dumbass, with an entourage, then wearing an American flag bandit bandanna, and right when everyone is like "I hate this jackass" after he does ten minutes of self congratulatory high fives with his homeboys, this stoner flies like ten feet higher than every other asshole on the earth, and is doing tricks that don't appear to be possible in terms of physics. Suck on that other countries.
Litmus Test Two Results: In America no one cares about ethics, they care about doing super "sick" awesome sky tricks, while looking awesome, high on weed, and so ugly that its sad how crazy-laid they get. Concept of Coolness Sponsored by AIG
Litmus Test Three: How's that whole racism and gay hating situation going?
Well the Chi-town Shawnee Davis (apparently the only black guy there) won but speed skating is so baby boomer. However this one might be the clearest cut, America likes gays. We love the shit out of them and black people too we just make it up to cause problems because we are America and if there ain't drama we don't have shit to do.
But in this Olympics there is a perfect storm. There is a Russian figure skater who looks like a bad guy from Die Hard and acts like a giant prick and does unstoppable twisty-spin-things. No one can defeat him but wait, (cue Rocky Music) there is a cool looking Gay dude who dresses up in spooky Tim Burton outfits and IS AWESOME. Homosexuality Sponsored by Buger King
Litmus Test Result: We like gays and figure skating and feathered sequined out fits if they involve ninja-spins and kicking some dickhead from Eastern Europe's ass.
All in all I think I learned that America doesn't try very hard, doesn't care very much, and yet we are still way better at everything on average than the rest of the world, which is like ok to watch or whatever. Also Weed is legal to trade, smoke, and possess in BC. So you might not know what the hell you're doing Vancouver but you appear to be having an ape-shit good time doing it.
Wait a second, did I just do a whole thing about how cool the Olympics is? Oh shit, Tebow has been making my coffee and I keep losing giant segments of time. The hell is wrong with me?