There was a time, not too long ago for me (last week), when what was on your lunchbox defined you. It was the first critical choice that you made in the social stratosphere. It was your flag. Comic book characters? Day-glow ponies? Movies? Athletes? Mr. T? Elite Teams of American Commandos who only ever killed robots? It really didn't make much difference to me because I believed you were cool as long as you rocked it. But most of the other goblins didn't see it this way, to them, this was as critical to understanding who you are as your DNA.
At first I secretly wanted to be one of the kids with a paper bag; they were non-entities, barely noticed but rarely ridiculed. However lunchboxes had a certain social thrill to them, an adrenaline rush, an "I'm cooler than you" game of community respect. Lunchboxes were war.
Lunchbox with the wrong GI JOE on it? Unfortunately until middle school, you are a "dick bag". Girl with the Billy Ray Cyrus one? "Redneck." Your parents are thoughtless inhuman jerks when you forget your Urkel one at basketball practice and they make you take your sisters back up Pound Puppies one? You are now officially for the rest of your childhood, with no concern for your actual sexual preference, a "homo."
I realized how critical this was early on. At first I went with a cultural standard; The Ninja Turtles. No one made fun, but no one said anything either. I mean the Turtles were super fucking awesome but this also meant that half the y chromosomes had one.
So when the rare time for a new lunchbox came and I stood in the back-to-school isle at K-mart, which looked like a demilitarized zone, I was needless to say taking my time. My kid brother picked up a Joker one instantly and wandered off because he has was in kindergarten and could careless about the social Russian roulette I was currently in. I muttered, "shit" under my breath because the Joker was actually a pretty bold and badass choice.
Everything seemed so bland and over done. Everything reflected nothing about me. Sure I liked Spider man and The Super Mario Brothers, yeah I road dirt bikes and skate boards, but come on I had cooler things going on in my head than just that, didn't I? I wanted something bizarre and intimidating and cool. I took a second and visualized what I wanted, I let the universe in and a strange thing came to me, it was the Buddha Siddhartha sitting on a Lilly with crazy holographic psychedelics all around him on a black lunchbox. Wouldn't that be fucking rad, I thought. Nobody would have that, and who would dare mock it.
I was still in a K-Mart though, they would have nothing remotely that cool. Then I saw it and ever since I've decided that the world is one big lunchbox arms race, it really only matters if you buy into the magic and make sure that you pick up the right one, the right anything, the stuff for you. I've kept this sucker since I was a kid and I've been putting my coolest and spookiest shit in it since I was seven years old. So now I'm putting my "awesome box" online and flying my lunchbox flag high. Check it out if you want and welcome to the Buddha Lunch Box.
The picture at the top isn't the same one, but its close.
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